i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
