i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
