Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
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Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
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Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME