I just threw up on my dentist
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
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I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are