Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.