so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
