I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
