life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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