btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
