I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
