shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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