my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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