I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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