just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
two words...techno handjob
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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