then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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