I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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