Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
