u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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