You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
