i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
