i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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