A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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