Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
