I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
