then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
