So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
