Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
