i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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