This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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