I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
