we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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