I met the friendliest cop last night
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
