Where did you get a picture of my penis
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
