I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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