I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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