I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
