; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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