i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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