So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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