seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
