just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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