remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
