Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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