if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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