her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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