it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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