Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
