One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
