I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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