If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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