somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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