no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
