You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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