Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
