Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize