ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.