my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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