So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
